Purity for the Impatient (c) Dan "Shag" Birchall Version 1.0.0, 04Sep93 birchall@pilot.njin.net It has been implied, by those wiser than we, that Less Is Better. While this may not apply to things commonly covered by Purity Tests, it most certainly applies to tests in general. Therefore, having tired of the irreversible growth of existing tests, it was decided that they should all be gathered and boiled down to something less time-consuming. After all, every hour you spend taking a Purity Test is one less hour you can spend lowering your score! And so, there was created Purity for the Impatient. 29 documents totaling hundreds of pages and well over 7,000 questions were combined, condensed, and refined. The result is a 200-question test which strives to cover as many topics as possible - even some that have never before been featured on a test. This document was made possible by a variety of corporations, organizations, and persons who shall remain anonymous so as not to be defamed. The title was inspired by Abrahams and Larson's excellent book "Unix for the Impatient." None of the activities described in this document are guaranteed to be fun, or even safe, let alone worthwhile. Honestly, many of them could get you injured, arrested, or killed, and no extra points are assigned for dying. History: Version 1.0.0 - September 4, 1993. Initial version. Instructions: This test is 200 questions long. There is no time limit. All questions may be answered YES or NO. The test may be administered orally to a group. All events are presumed to have taken place after the age of three. This test is not biased toward either gender. Unlike most tests, non-consensual activities count. Both passive and active roles count, except where wording indicates otherwise. The test is organized into blocks of 5 related questions, and gets progressively more explicit. Definitions: Necking: kissing and/or stroking the head, neck, arms or back. Petting: fondling the torso, thighs, or buttocks while clothed. Masturbation: manual stimulation of the genitals. Sex: vaginal or anal penetration by a penis or strap-on device, or contact between two vulvas. Sex acts: masturbation, oral sex, sex, or anal sex, with someone else. Scoring: Scores begin at 100 percent pure, and drop 1/2 percent for each YES answer. It is suggested that "no" answers be tallied, and the resulting number be divided by 2, thus arriving at the proper percentage. Technicalities count. Disclaimer: This test makes no guarantee of pleasure, safety, or continued life. The author of this test is not responsible for the actions of those who choose to take this test. None of the listed activities are endorsed. Purity for the Impatient Version 1.0.0, 04Sep93 Puppy Love... (Affection): Have you ever... 001. hugged, or been hugged by, someone? 002. kissed, or been kissed by, someone? 003. french-kissed someone? 004. been involved in necking with someone? 005. been involved in petting with someone? The Dating Game... (Casual Relationships): Have you ever... 006. dated, or "gone steady" with, someone? 007. dated, or "gone steady" with, 2 or more people at once? 008. spent the night with someone you were dating? 009. lived with someone you were dating? 010. had a one-night stand? Between Friends... (Group Social Activities): Have you ever... 011. with 3 or more people, gone swimming or hot-tubbing nude? 012. with 3 or more people, played a game requiring kissing? 013. with 3 or more people, played a game requiring clothing removal? 014. with 3 or more people, played a game requiring sex acts? 015. with 3 or more people, participated in an "oil party" of any sort? Ball And Chain... (Serious Relationships): Have you ever... 016. been engaged to be married? 017. been married? 018. been a bigamist, or a member of a harem or group marriage? 019. been involved in a divorce or annulment? 020. been involved in spouse-swapping? Arts Appreciation... (Pornography Etc): Have you ever... 021. owned or read erotic or sexually explicit literature? 022. owned or viewed erotic or sexually explicit sculpture? 023. owned or viewed erotic or sexually explicit pictures? 024. owned or viewed erotic or sexually explicit movies? 025. been to a live cast production of the Rocky Horror Picture Show? I'm So Excited... (Arousal and Orgasm): Have you ever... 026. experienced sexual arousal? 027. experienced an orgasm? 028. participated in acts which led to an orgasm for someone? 029. participated in acts which led to multiple orgasms for someone? 030. participated in finding or using the "g-spot" or other triggers? Let Your Fingers... (Masturbation): Have you ever... 031. masturbated yourself? 032. participated in masturbation with someone of the opposite gender? 033. participated in masturbation with someone of the same gender? 034. participated foot-masturbation with someone else? 035. foot-masturbated yourself? Tools Of The Trade... (Sex Toys): Have you ever... 036. been involved in the use of a vibrator for sexual purposes? 037. been involved in the use of dildo for sexual purposes? 038. been involved in the use of ben wa balls for sexual purposes? 039. been involved in the use of a doll for sexual purposes? 040. been involved in the use of non-sexual items in lieu of the above? Open Mouth, Insert... (Oral Sex): Have you ever... 041. been involved in oral stimulation of the ears, digits, or nipples? 042. been involved in oral stimulation of the female genitals? 043. been involved in oral stimulation of the male genitals? 044. been involved in "69," mutual oral stimulation of the genitals? 045. orally stimulated your own genitals? Assume The Position... (Sexual Positions): Have you ever... 046. had sex in the missionary position? 047. had sex doggie-style? 048. had sex with at least one participant sitting? 049. had sex with at least one participant standing? 050. had sex in other positions? Notch That Bedpost... (Endurance and Experience): Have you ever... 051. been late for other scheduled activities due to sex acts? 052. spent more than 3 hours in a single session of any sex act? 053. engaged in sex acts with someone twice, or half, your age? 054. engaged in sex acts with 10 or more separate partners? 055. engaged in sex acts with 25 or more separate partners? I Was So Horny That... (Speed, Repetitions, Distance): Have you ever... 056. engaged in sex acts within one hour of meeting someone? 057. engaged in sex acts on, or before, the first date? 058. engaged in any sex acts more than 3 times in one day? 059. engaged in sex acts with 3 or more individuals in one day/night? 060. gone on a "nookie run" of at least 50 miles each way? In The Back Door... (Anal Activities): Have you ever... 061. been involved in manual stimulation of the anus? 062. been involved in oral stimulation of the anus? 063. been involved in anal use of sex toys or inanimate objects? 064. been involved in the giving of enemas? 065. been involved in anal sex? If Only... (Fantasies): Have you ever... 066. had a sexually explicit or arousing dream? 067. fantasized about sex? 068. fantasized about bondage or sadomasochism? 069. fantasized about someone other than your partner during sex acts? 070. engaged in activities which made someone's fantasy come true? Remember Health Class... (Health and Prevention): Have you ever... 071. contracted a sexually transmitted disease? 072. bought or used contraceptives? 073. had sex without contraceptives? 074. been involved in an unwanted pregnancy? 075. been involved in a pregnancy which ended in an abortion? The Bed Got Boring, So... (Indoor Sexuality): Have you ever... 076. engaged in sex acts in the shower, tub, or hot tub? 077. engaged in sex acts on items not meant for use as seats or tables? 078. gone to a motel or hotel solely to engage in sex acts?? 079. engaged in sex acts in a library, classroom, or office? 080. engaged in sex acts in a theater, auditorium, or arena? Out And About... (The Great Outdoors): Have you ever... 081. engaged in sex acts outdoors? 082. engaged in sex acts on holy ground or in a place of religion? 083. engaged in sex acts in a place of the dead? 084. engaged in sex acts on the roof of a building? 085. engaged in sex acts in a natural body of water? Bodies In Motion... (Transportation): Have you ever... 086. engaged in sex acts in or on people-mover in motion? 087. engaged in sex acts in or on a motor vehicle in motion? 088. engaged in sex acts in or on a train in motion? 089. engaged in sex acts in or on a watercraft in motion? 090. engaged in sex acts in or on a aircraft in flight? Friends And Family... (People Close To You): Have you ever... 091. engaged in sex acts with a relative closer than your cousin? 092. engaged in sex acts with 2 siblings not related to you? 093. engaged in sex acts with a person and their descendent? 094. engaged in sex acts with the partner of a family member? 095. engaged in sex acts with a friend of your partner? Social Networking... (People Not-So-Close): Have you ever... 096. engaged in sex acts with a total stranger? 097. engaged in sex acts with an authority over you? 098. engaged in sex acts with someone in service to you? 099. engaged in sex acts with a celebrity? 100. engaged in sex acts with a foreigner not speaking your language? The More The Merrier... (Group Sexual Activity): Have you ever... 101. with 2 other people, been involved in a threesome? 102. with 3 or more other people, been involved in group masturbation? 103. with 3 or more other people, been involved in group oral sex? 104. with 3 or more other people, been involved in group sex? 105. with 3 or more other people, been involved in a gang-bang? Managing Your Money... (Financial Matters): Have you ever... 106. paid someone for sexual services rendered? 107. rendered sexual services to someone for pay? 108. paid for a striptease or other such performance? 109. performed a striptease or other such performance for pay? 110. been a manager for such service-sector workers or performers? I Shot The Sheriff... (Legal Matters): Have you ever... 111. committed any crime violating applicable sex/morals laws? 112. committed any non-sexual felony? 113. been arrested? 114. been convicted? 115. been incarcerated? My Body's No Temple... (Substance Abuse): Have you ever... 116. engaged in the use of tobacco products? 117. engaged in the use of alcohol beverages? 118. engaged in the use of marijuana or hashish? 119. engaged in the use of hallucinogenic drugs? 120. engaged in the use of hard drugs? Mama, What's A Kingpin... (Substances Part 2): Have you ever... 121. been involved in the manufacture of illicit drugs? 122. been involved in the distribution and sale of illicit drugs? 123. lost control of bodily functions due to drug use? 124. lost consciousness due to drug use? 125. enrolled in any rehabilitation program for substance abuse? You Are Getting Sleepy... (Consciousness): Have you ever... 126. had sex acts while a participant was in an altered mental state? 127. had sex acts while a participant was, and remained, asleep? 128. had sex acts during which a participant fell asleep? 129. had sex acts during which a participant woke up? 130. had sex acts as a result of which a participant fainted? Vote Early, Vote Often... (Political Activities): Have you ever... 131. participated in the activities of a racist organization? 132. participated in the activities of an organized crime "family"? 133. participated in the activities of a non-standard political party? 134. participated in the activities of a political activist group? 135. participated in the activities of a terrorist organization? Hellfire and Dalmatians... (Religious Activities): Have you ever... 136. experienced or undergone a religious conversion? 137. been a member of any cult or generally un-accepted religion? 138. participated in any religious ritual involving sacrifice? 139. participated in any religious ritual involving sexual activities? 140. had an altar or ritualistic installation in your living quarters? Do I Need A Learner's Permit... (Education): Have you ever... 141. experimented with sexuality before puberty? 142. been involved in the corruption of morals? 143. introduced a virgin to sex? 144. been involved in a demonstration of sexual techniques? 145. been involved in a seduction? Can't Always Get What You Want... (Coercion): Have you ever... 146. been involved in sexual coercion through drugs or alcohol? 147. been involved in sexual coercion through lies? 148. been involved in sexual coercion through charm or hypnosis? 149. been involved in sexual coercion through logic or philosophy? 150. been involved in sexual coercion through force? Girl Scouts Can Tie Knots Too... (Bondage): Have you ever... 151. bought or owned restraints, gags, or blindfolds for sexual uses? 152. bought or owned ropes or pulleys for sexual uses? 153. bought or owned clamps for sexual uses? 154. used restraints, pulleys, or clamps sexually with another person? 155. used restraints, pulleys, or clamps on yourself? Pain Is So Close To Pleasure... (Sadomasochism): Have you ever... 156. been involved in whipping for sexual purposes? 157. been involved in the use of pain for sexual purposes? 158. been involved in the use of extreme heat for sexual purposes? 159. been involved in the use of extreme cold for sexual purposes? 160. been involved in sexual activities which drew blood? Dress For Excess... (Fashions): Have you ever... 161. owned or worn any prosthetic device for sexual purposes? 162. owned or worn leather or rubber garments for sexual purposes? 163. owned or worn any transparent clothing for sexual purposes? 164. acquired oral, genital, or nipple piercings? 165. acquired erotic, sexually explicit, or intimately placed tattoos? Third Floor... (Housewares and Interior Decor): Have you ever... 166. engaged in sexual use of a household suction device? 167. engaged in sexual use of a household applicance's motions? 168. owned or used a ceiling-mounted mirror for sexual purposes? 169. kept a container of K-Y or another lubricant on your bedstand? 170. shopped for furniture based solely on its sexual usefulness? Eating In Bed... (Nutrition): Have you ever... 171. been involved in the use of food items for sexual stimulation? 172. been involved in the tasting or ingestion of orgasmic secretions? 173. been involved in the tasting or ingesting of urine or feces? 174. been involved in the eating of foods off, or out of, a body? 175. been involved in cannibalism? Come Together... (Music): Have you ever... 176. listened to music with sexually explicit or suggestive content? 177. created music with sexually explicit or suggestive content? 178. sexually pursued performers as a groupie? 179. attracted groupies as a performer? 180. attracted groupies as someone considered "close" to a performer? Look, Ma, NEA Grants... (Artistic Expression): Have you ever... 181. participated in the creation of erotic or explicit literature? 182. sculpted or posed for erotic or sexually explicit sculpture? 183. created or posed for erotic or sexually explicit pictures? 184. created or acted in erotic or sexually explicit movies? 185. been in a live cast performing the Rocky Horror Picture Show? 1-900-ORGASMS... (Isn't Technology Wonderful): Have you ever... 186. simulated sexual activities over the telephone? 187. participated in sexual group chats over computers or telephone? 188. simulated sexual activities over a computer network? 189. collected erotic or sexually explicit computer files? 190. found a live sexual partner through technological interaction? Little Furry Animals... (Bestiality): Have you ever... 191. been involved in masturbation with an animal? 192. been involved in oral sex with an animal? 193. been involved in sex with an animal? 194. been involved in sex with an animal which died as a result? 195. been involved in sex with a deceased animal? Everyone Needs A Hobby... (Sundry Perversions): Have you ever... 196. owned a collection of other people's underwear? 197. practiced transvesticism? 198. practiced necrophilia? 199. practiced voyeurism? 200. practiced fetishism? By now, you should have a piece of paper with some marks on it. If you don't have any marks, you should have no trouble calculating your score. If you do have marks, you can calculate your score as follows: If you tallied "no" answers, count them and divide by 2. If you tallied "yes" answers, count them, subtract from 200, and divide by 2. Thank you for using this test to generate your purity score.