>From Penthouse's September 1989 Games Column: Of late, hackers have been getting a lot of bad press. It seems hardly a month goes by without another deadly "virus" infecting our fragile computer systems. Hardly anyone remembers when the hacker was a hero, a person dedicated to going where no computer nerd had gone before. Well, as true hackers are quick to point out, "A cracker ain't a hacker." In other words, people who spend time trying to foul up computers with malicious programs are not at all operating in the spirit of the original hacker ethic. Lest we forget that hackers preform a valuable public service, we are reprinting here selections from one of the funniest and most useful group hacks, the "Purity Test." Legend has it that the Purity Test was created at MIT's Baker House sometime in the early 1980's and was subsequently sent via an early computer network to C.M.U. Not much is known about the original test except that it is rumored to have had a version for women and another one for men. The present version represents the best and most exhaustive sexuality test ever created by man's libido. Space (as well as legal) limitations prevent us from reproducing all of the Purity Test, which currently runs to 500 questions. Nevertheless, what follows should give us all a new respect for the power of hackers and the pleasures of group hack. Tell the truth, now. THE UNISEX, OMNISEXUAL PURITY TEST (Public domain; no copyright. All rights wronged, all wrongs reversed. Up with going down. Virginity can be cured.) Disclaimer of Liability. The user of this test acknowledges that sex is a hazardous sport; that a person must copulate in control and use good judgement at all times; that partners' conditions vary constantly and are affected by weather changes and previous use; and that dirty sheets, variations in terrain and bed surfaces, spouses/pimps/managers, forest growth, rocks and debris, clothed obstacles, and many other natural and man- made obstacles and hazards-- including other users and customers- -exist throughout the bedroom area. Impotence, collisions, and social diseases resulting in injury can happen at any time, even to those copulating in control with proper sexual equipment. Inherent risks are part of the sport and may exist within your partner. Instructions for use: This is a fairly long test consisting of 100 questions. It starts out tame and gets progressively worse (or better). There are many ways of taking this test. You can, of course, as is your right guaranteed by the Constitution, be antisocial and sequester yourself in your room and take this test all by yourself. However, we feel the most responsible way to take it is to hold a purity test party. All you need is one copy of the test and a bunch of friends. (Lots of writing implements and paper would be useful, too.) The person with the copy of the test is the test administrator; they read the questions out loud and everybody writes down their answers. We have no definite rules as to whether the participants are required to divulge their answers-- that is up to the group to decide. However, each person's purity test score should be made common knowledge. This works great at parties. It lets everybody know who's easy and who isn't, so you'll know who to go home with. SECTION ONE: PLATONIC RELATIONS Have you ever: 1. kissed a friend or stranger on their hand or head-neck region as a friendly gesture? 2. seen a burlesque show? (The Rocky Horror Picture Show counts.) 3. shared a bed, sleeping bag, or sleeping accommodations without anything steamy happening? 4. given a back rub, neck rub, or massage with no ulterior motive? 5. used tickling as a pick-up, get-to-know-him/her-better routine? SECTION TWO: AUTO-EROTICA AND MONO-SEXUALISM Have you ever: 6. had an arousing, stimulation, totally erotic, sexy dream (wet dreams and the like)? 7. fantasized about your long-term instructor, mentor, or someone who is superior to you? (One-day skydiving teachers, two-hour ski instructors, and the like do not count.) 8. fantasized about anyone while masturbating at the same time? 9. read or bought pornographic periodicals? 10. phoned a live-sex phone number? 11. stuffed your bra (if female) or pants (if male)? 12. shaved your genital pubic hair in a particular design (moon, heart, diamond, clover, etc.)? 13. masturbated where you could have been discovered (in a crowd, a city park, a gym/dorm/barracks shower, a movie theater, etc.)? 14. had symptoms of Russian (rushin') fingers? 15. written down your own stories or fantasies (i.e., your own Penthouse "Forum" letter) for masturbatory purposes. 16. sculpted erotic/obscene artworks in food (bananas, carrots, apples, etc.)? 17. made an X- or R-rated snowman or snow-woman? SECTION THREE: LEGISLATIVE MISFITS AND OTHER MATTERS Have you ever: 18. exaggerated about any sexual experience? 19. lied about your sexual preference in order to avoid a date with someone you obviously didn't like? 20. told someone that you loved them strictly because you wanted to have sex with them? 21. fantasized about someone other than your partner while you were engaged in sex, oral sex, or mutual masturbation? 22. intentionally listened in on other people having sex, oral sex, or mutual masturbation without their knowledge? 23. entered a bathroom of the opposite sex, unaccompanied by them, while not involved in a search and/or rescue mission? 24. flashed someone from the front? 25. streaked, flashed, or otherwise pretty much totally exposed yourself in public before a formal (official) gathering of people (a stage performance, charity dinner, etc.)? 26. given money or some favor to have sex with someone? 27. borrowed/stolen/taken birth control devices (condom, spermicidal foam, diaphragm, chastity belt) from your own or someone else's parents? 28. been a foot-fetishist? 29. stolen the underwear of someone you know for a purpose other than a practical joke or just to irk the person? (Invading the women's dorm on a panty-raid mission does not count.) SECTION FOUR: NON-PLATONIC RELATIONS Have you ever: 30. been kissed below the neck, not including your arms or hands? 31. petted below the waist on the first date? 32. worn specific clothing for the purpose of hiding hickeys (i.e., turtlenecks)? 33. fondled someone who was asleep? 34. given a back massage with ulterior motives? 35. let someone else wash you while you were perfectly capable of doing it yourself? (This means that if you were in the hospital with two broken arms an the nurses washed you, it doesn't count-- no matter how cute they were.) 36. gone skinny-dipping in mixed company? 37. licked, sucked, or nibbled on someone else's nipple? 38. had your nipple licked, sucked, or nibbled upon? 39. petted, stroked, fondled, or otherwise handled someone else's covered genitals? 40. given your partner an orgasm while petting? 41. performed mutual masturbation? 42. had sex? (No need for orgasm; penetration counts.) 43. had sex with a virgin (not yourself)? 44. had sex with someone whose name you didn't know (and still don't)? 45. had sex with someone whose face you never saw? 46. had sex with someone where there was an age difference of more than 20 years? SECTION FIVE: NON-PRIMARY CHOICE RELATIONS Have you ever: 47. been participant in a "who's physically better equipped" contest? (Contestants must be of the same gender; spectators, judges, umpires, and verifiers may be of different gender.) 48. had sex, oral sex, or mutual masturbation with more than ten people? 49. been in a menage a trois with all participants of the same sex? 50. been involved in group sex with all of the participants of the same sex (four or more people; partners must be exchanged)? SECTION SIX: ALTERNATIVE CHOICES Have you ever: 51. practiced frottage (masturbation by rubbing against another person) or experienced a need to do so? 52. practiced scoptophilia (viewing sexual organs or sexual activity openly, not surreptitiously, as in voyeurism)? 53. practiced role-playing (nurse--patient, teacher--student, border guard--well-endowed co-ed, etc.)? 54. owned a collection of other people's underwear? 55. bought lingerie/undergarments of the opposite sex? SECTION SEVEN: GROUP SEXUAL RELATIONS Have you ever: 56. listened to dirty jokes in mixed company? 57. told dirty jokes in mixed company? 58. watched a porn movie in mixed company? 59. watched a porn movie with your own or someone else's parents? 60. played a game that required you or others to disrobe? 61. been in intimate contact with more than one person at the same time while all of you were nude? 62. had oral sex with more than ten people (not necessarily at the same time)? 63. had sex with more than one person in a 24-hour period? 64. had sex with both genders in a 24-hour period? 65. walked in on others having sex (committed an "oops") and been invited to join in? 66. been in a circle jerk? 67. been to a (cooking/baby/Wesson) oil party? 68. played naked Twister (with or without oil)? 69. participated in a heterosexual orgy (four or more people; partners must be exchanged)? 70. propositioned a person or group of people for group sex? 71. participated in a fuckathon (where the object is to see how many times you can do it in a certain amount of time)? SECTION EIGHT: LOCALITY Have you ever: 72. had sex, oral sex, or mutual masturbation in a place of religion? 73. had sex on a construction site (house, office, launch platform)? 74. had sex, oral sex, or mutual masturbation in a moderately sized land/road based vehicle of less than 30,000 pounds gross weight? 75. had sex, oral sex, or mutual masturbation in a land-based non-road-dependent vehicle (train, subway, roller coaster, monorail, Disneyland ride, etc.)? 76. necked, petted, masturbated, been masturbated, or had sex or oral sex in a water based manual-powered vehicular transport medium (surfboard, floating bathtub, etc.)? (It only counts if it was in the water at the time.) 77. necked, petted, masturbated, been masturbated, or had sex or oral sex in an aircraft (airplane, biplane, hovercraft, balloon, zeppelin, space shuttle, flying saucer, etc.)? 78. had sex on the floor (but not the roof)? 79. had sex on any furniture or appliance (television, washer or dryer, microwave, etc.) that is not a bed, table, desk, countertop, or anything that is predominantly used for sitting on? 80. had sex, oral sex, or mutual masturbation in a telephone/voting/automatic-photo booth, or any small non-moving enclosure that was not designed for such activities? 81. had sex, oral sex, or mutual masturbation in an elevator, escalator, dumbwaiter, or any internal-building people-moving device? 82. had sex, oral sex, or mutual masturbation within the confines of a hedge, bush, other natural vegetation that provides a wall effect-- or in a cave, rock overhang, well, or any other secluded, outdoor, non-vegetative shielding structure? SECTION NINE: STYLE Have you ever: 83. watched someone else masturbate? 84. willingly made videotapes or had pictures taken while having sex, oral sex, or mutual masturbation? 85. watched your partner of choice having sex, oral sex, or mutual masturbation with someone else? 86. willingly made audio recordings while having sex, oral sex, or mutual masturbation? 87. talked dirty while having sex, oral sex, or mutual masturbation? 88. intentionally made more noise than necessary while having sex, oral sex, or mutual masturbation so as to put on a good show for whoever might have been listening in? 89. had a general emergency arise while you were steeped in sex (house on fire, flash flood, hurricane, private plane crash-lands in your dwelling, etc.)? 90. had your sexual technique/style/skill openly praised by someone? 91. taken nude pictures of someone else? 92. had nude pictures taken of you? 93. placed a personals ad in any newspaper or magazine? 94. been involved in breast fucking (a.k.a. the "Hawaiian muscle fuck")? 95. gone through two or more sexual positions without the need for re-entry (we're talking sexual acrobatics here)? 96. fallen asleep during sex? 97. woken up to someone having sex with you? 98. used the Purity Test as a guideline for sex or checklist of things you could do? 99. participated in purity testing with an ulterior motive? 100. become interested in someone only after hearing about their Purity Test score? SCORING Count the number of "yes" answers and subtract from 100. The result is your purity percentage. The higher the number, the more pure you are. In the same vein, the lower the score, the more of a sleazebag you are.